(Quick notes: This is a 'what if' written for one of my characters, where he... Uh...
Confronts the mother who abandoned him as a toddler. The word 'life' here when capitalized also stands for the God of Life. Any type of feedback is welcome always.)
Some silences cannot be broken by simple questions such as 'why?' or 'how could you?'. The kind of silence that lingered in between two people whose fates were once bound and were now estranged was one such silence; it was a thick, smothering, silence only interrupted by occasional pacing and heavy breathing that echoed through the dark dungeon-like basement.
?I used to believe everyone was innocent once. It was just my way to blame the world for my actions, I guess... As if saying that Life has tainted me through no fault of my own; if I am evil, it?s because I was made to be so. The world decided my fate for me, so why should I ever be responsible??
?...Please...?
?No, no... Not done talking. Don?t be rude now.? The young black haired man said; a slightly manic giggle escaping him as he gave the, bleeding, shackled woman a condescending pat on the head. ?Besides, you shouldn't bother wasting your breath and dignity with pleading. Pleading won?t get you out of here. Actually; nothing short of Divine intervention could save you from me, and until now the Gods have never bothered with stopping me. Not for anyone. I doubt that, after everything they allowed me to do, they would intervene for you.?
The dim light of torches on the moldy stone walls reflected off the woman?s pleading green eyes as she stared into the darkness of his gaze, as if searching for something that was no longer present, and she knew it was true; the end. Acceptance at last. He smiled, a much softer smile, almost compassionate as he stared back at her, his eyes lighting up from their usual hollow black color to an only slightly lighter tone of grey; a very discrete change, but noticeable enough to the woman as his eyes were locked with hers. ?Now we understand each other.? He spoke softly.
?You can kill me, fine...? She spoke, a shuddering breath escaping her as the pain of her wounds seemed to come alive at the simple act of speech. ?I?m sure once I?m dead you will feel better, so why wait any longer??
?I appreciate the consent, but like I said... Not done talking.? He muttered in reply, the thin branch of bamboo that had been his latest punishing instrument still secure in his hand. A smirk crossed his features as he lifted the branch and caught a wince from his captive. ?You think you know pain...? He snickered softly, running the tip of the instrument across her left cheek, almost in a caress. ?As I was saying...? He grinned, pulling the instrument away from the woman?s skin abruptly as if he was going to suddenly strike her with it, but pulling away instead. ?I used to believe in innocence, but now I?m not sure anymore. Some would argue that if innocence can be so easily destroyed, there is actually no such thing as innocence in the world, but... How can something not exist, if it can be destroyed? I was told, a part of me is innocent. I was told, I am soulless. I was told I can choose my path, and I was told that my fate is sealed. I was given many answers, and come to no conclusions. This... This probably won?t change anything, but I would still like to hear it from you... Do you believe in innocence??
?A bit late for me to teach you right from wrong, don?t you agree?? The woman replied softly. ?I assume my answer won?t do anything to change the outcome of this, correct??
?This isn?t a matter of ?right? or ?wrong?. My question has to do with human nature.? He explained, pacing away from the bound woman and dragging a chair from the dark area of the room and into the torchlit circle, sitting on the blood stained piece of furniture he looked up at her as if expecting her to tell him a story. ?I?m asking if you believe all human beings are born innocent, or if some of us are born fated to be evil.? he shrugged dismissively; a half-smile marking his features. ?...And no, there is no answer you can give that will change the outcome of this. You are going to die down here, and I will be the only one around to hear your final breath.?
The woman took a couple of deep breaths as if trying to push the pain away enough to stay coherent, her voice coming out more steady this time as she spoke. ?Honestly, I believe that it doesn?t matter what the truth is. Either way, you are searching for an excuse. If you are born evil, then this is not your fault, because it?s in your nature. If you are born innocent then it?s not your fault because the world made you this way... I?m not going to choose one and give you a reason why you are not responsible for your actions. You want to know what I believe? I believe nature is irrelevant here. You are only a monster because you chose to act like one.?
?Really? Personally I?d say my choices are irrelevant to the subject at hand. I mean, yes I could have chosen to act according to what is socially accepted as ?good?, but wouldn?t change the fact that this is what feels right to me. To me, this is ?good?. What I want to know is why. If this is something anyone would feel if they had been in my particular situation or if it was something I would still feel if my situation was entirely different.?
?Is that why you torture people? To see if they turn out like you?? The woman muttered. ?Are you that desperately alone??
?I don?t always torture people, no... Just in certain occasions. You should be glad.? He snickered softly. ?You are still special to me after all this time.?
?That only answers half my question.? She pointed out.
?We?re not here so you can have answers.? He replied, an angered tone suddenly raising his voice. ?I don?t owe you answers. I owe you nothing.?
?You want to know about human nature, yes? Well, we are social creatures by nature, the fear of being alone is a great motivator... You don?t want to know why you are... Evil... You want to know why you feel lonely.?
The man stood up abruptly, an angered glare in his eyes as he struck the woman swiftly across the face with the bamboo branch, opening a bloody gash across her cheek. ?Don?t tell me how I feel.? He warned; his voice soft yet intense and undeniably dangerous. ?Don?t try to act like you know me. Answer the question: Do you believe that we are all born innocent??
The woman responded with a groan of pain and anger, her face turned away from his dark gaze, her breathing shallow as if the new punishment had brought back the pain of all the others. She knew there was no way to leave that room alive and she also knew that he would not let her die until she gave him an answer... Yet she resisted. Maybe in some level they both knew this was the only thing close to a bond they would ever share and didn?t want to see it end just yet, maybe she just didn?t want to give him the satisfaction... Whatever the reason, they both suddenly fell into a dense and stubborn silence, as if daring each other to speak another word and break the moment. When finally she couldn?t keep from turning to face him once more, she found him standing with his arms crossed over his chest, an emotionless expression and an intense dark stare in his eyes that nearly burned its way right through her. The only sounds to echo in that filthy dark dungeon was that of breaths and heartbeats as she once again searched his eyes and found herself gazing into two windows to an empty and endless abyss. Tears began to form in her eyes as if for the first time she actually asked herself what could make a person this way and as they began to run down her face the silence was broken.
?I?m waiting.? He told her, unmoved by the display of emotion from the woman, or perhaps it was the tears that had moved him to speak even if he seemed uncaring as to what they represented.
?Why... What does it matter to you, what I think?? She asked, attempting to keep her voice steady, her breaths coming out shakened as if she was struggling not to break into a sobbing mess. ?What are you after really??
?I?ve told you... You are still special to me even now. Perhaps not in the way it would be prefered, but nonetheless: Special. All the others were a matter of instant gratification, but not you... Our moments, however brief they may be, will be mine to cherish long after they end and I will finally have something of yours in me after all these years. It?s unlikely this will bring me peace, or make me better, but it?s the only way I know to move on from you.? A half smile formed itself on his lips as he averted his eyes from her, staring into the darkest corner of the room as if the sight of shadows brought him some level of comfort. ?You left me and moved on. You forgot me and made a life for yourself. You lived all this time while I died and went to hell. I may have done the things I?ve done, and be the monster I admit that I am, but I still deserve to move on the same as you. If this is the only thing you have left in you to give, I will take it because you owe me.? As he turned his eyes back to her his smile shut completely. ?I?ve given you more answers than you deserve. If I recall correctly, this is how it always goes with us; I give you more than you deserve, and get nothing... Not this time though. This time I get what I want... Or I will make sure to play out in details what my reality has been from the day you left me. It?ll only take six years or so to go through it all, and I?ve got nothing but time.?
The woman exhaled, a choking sound escaping her; it could have been originally laughter or a whimper, it was hard to tell. ?Which is more important, I wonder... Hurting me, or knowing me??
?A bit late to try and pretend you want to know me now...? He muttered. ?...I can always do both, if you rather. I was trying to show some level of... Leniency, in exchange for the answer though, since it is clear that either way I will kill you. I?m not known for my fairness, so I suggest you stop stalling me before I change my mind completely.?
This time she laughed without a doubt, even though the sound was weak it was clearly, undoubtedly, laughter. ?You know the answer already now, don?t you? You just want to hear me say it.? Her laughter ended in a small coughing fit and she was forced to take a few moments to breathe before speaking any further. ?It?s fair, I suppose... I do owe you this much... Gabriel...?
?Luckas.? He stopped her. ?It?s Luckas now.?
She sighed, shaking her head at the interruption and moving forward with what she meant to say. ?...Gabriel was an innocent boy. He was born innocent, and for what you told me of your life he died innocent. You were born evil, you?ve lived an evil life, my guess is that this is how you?ll die, but I can?t be certain. My opinion? We are all born innocent, and we are all fated to be guilty sooner or later. You asked me this because you wanted me to admit, and take responsibility for you... You know this is what would hurt the most, but I can?t give you that. I can take responsibility for the boy I abandoned, but you are far from being him. And now you know that for a fact.? Another coughing fit stopped her speech, a few specks of blood dropping to the floor at her feet. The next breath was a difficult one, but she managed to take it and speak. ?I am responsible for my child?s death... I can?t be responsible for your life.?
Luckas was silent as the woman spoke, his eyes momentarily closing as if he struggled to accept her words, but eventually continuing to stare at her with intense curiosity until she spoke her final word. His expression was unaffected overall, as if everything spoken there was simply something new to consider, and not something that pertained to his own personal history. ?Children.? He stated simply. ?There were two of us, in case you don?t remember. Of course I can?t speak for my brother, nor could he speak for himself if he was standing here alive... He never spoke again after that day.?
?Are we through now?? She asked, turning her face away from him in the direction of the dark area he had looked into earlier, but unable to turn around enough to know if there was anything actually there to see. ?You have your answer.?
?So I do... And you and I share a common trait. You may take responsibility for what you have done, but you... Are not sorry. I?m not used to the feeling myself, but I know regret when I see it; there is nothing even remotely like it in your eyes, or in your tone... Remorseless, just like me.? A satisfied grin slowly spread across the man?s features as he dropped the piece of bamboo onto the the floor; the sound of wood hitting stone echoing faintly through the air for what seemed like a ridiculously long moment. Slowly and carefully he pulled a knife from his belt, raising the blade to eye level and staring at the sharp metal surface as it reflected the light of the torches. ?I was told once, that a person?s blood carries a part of every generation of their family line, so from the moment your heart starts to beat it carries a part of everyone who made your existence possible through your veins, to become a part of you for as long as you live. Because of that, some people believe that blood is something sacred. For me though... Blood never meant anything more than a pretty shade of red to paint the walls with.? Pulling his eyes from the knife he once again took in the sight of the woman before him; tears in her dress, dirt and blood staining her skin, bound wrists and bound ankles, messy black hair, beautiful green eyes sparkling in the darkness... He would remember her this way now, and not as a faceless figure walking away in the dark. This moment was his to keep forever.
Calmly he paced towards his captive until there was less than an inch of space between the two of them, long deep breaths leaving his body in a steady and continuous flow as he reached with his empty hand towards her face, causing her to wince and close her eyes. He stopped himself from touching her skin however, letting his hand hover just short from grazing her wounded cheek. Lowering his hand he took one last step towards her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against his chest, the tip of the knife pressed against her back. It wasn?t an affectionate gesture on his part. If there was any feeling at all behind it, it was aggression. He stood there for almost a full minute, his hold on her tight as if he meant to simply crush the life out of her, and then... He slowly pushed the knife through her skin, through her flesh, all the way to her heart, and then further; only stopping when he could actually feel the sharp end of the blade against his own chest. Still holding her tightly against his chest he could feel her body tense with the blade?s entrance and go limp once he pulled the knife away in one quick motion, dropping the weapon behind her back. And there he stayed, holding the woman close to him, feeling her heartbeats slowing into stillness and the sounds of her breath fading into silence. No words were spoken because he had nothing left to say to her. They were through.
When Luckas was younger he had heard someone say that the mother?s heartbeat was the first sound a baby hears upon entering the world, and as he grew older he had come to believe that somehow everything ends the same way it begins. Whether that was true or not was yet to be seen, but it was the one belief that gave him some sense of order and balance... Some certainty amongst what seemed to be a never ending stream of madness. We die as we live and we end our relationships in the same way they began. As we departure, we leave the world in the exact same state as we once discovered it... Nothing truly changes. Nothing truly ends.
Except maybe innocence; innocence always dies.
?Copyright 1997-
